NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.  
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.  
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you
Thinking? 





 
Her husband speaks English! 

This is a 'BEST JOKE' Award Winner in UK

One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.    
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'  
The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese'.   
'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.'  
Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.'
The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'

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Inflation

Generation Y

Joke of the day

Dangers of Casual E-Mailing 

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. 

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. 

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen: 

DEAREST WIFE: 

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.

EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE... 

GARLIC WARNING

For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, 
only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that 
some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us. 
  
There doesn't seem to be much proof either way 
to suggest what is good or bad, until now. 
  
  
Looks like  "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT"  is true !!! 
  
See the proof below .....................

A QUICK LAUGH FOR 5 MINS to release Stress

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past. 
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history. 
Teacher: Why? 
Student: There is no future in it. 
Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? 
Ted       : $10. 
Teacher : You don't know maths. 
Ted       :  You don't know my father!

Mother  : David, come here. 
David    : Yes, mum? 
Mother  : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. 
David    : But I will only get my report book tomorrow. 
Mother   : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test? 
Son  : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8 
Father      : So? 
Son  : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father. 
Daughter   : It's mummy! 
Father      : How do you know? 
Daughter   : She didn't say anything.
 Girl: Do you love me? 
Boy: Yes Dear 
Girl: Would you die for me? 
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father? 
Boy: As old as me 
Man: How can that be? 
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. 
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
Teacher     : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? 
Simon        : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father      : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! 
Son          : That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: 'Where were u born?' 
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.' 
Teacher: 'Which part?' 
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'
A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?' 
Only one hand shot up. 
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher. 
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'
Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?' 
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.' 
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.' 
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'
A boy came home from school with his exam results. 
'What did u get?' asked his father. 
'My marks are under water,' said the boy. 
'What do u mean 'under water'?' 
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'

 Well, that's the end of the jokes. Hope you had a good laugh! Do send it to all your friends and family so that they will have a good laugh too. :D 
Have a nice day! 
Cheers 

Pampurred

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up

there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell

them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in

Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque

books.
10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it

means that you laugh at his.

Pass it on to a few "good men" too!!

Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?", the man asked.

The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name

of the horse I bet on".

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later, the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the

head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied, "Your horse phoned".

Why it sparkles