WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife an asked, 'What?' CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!' WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about whoshould brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...........'HEBREWS' The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

Husband and Wife Fights!

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...!! Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

Wish that all husbands and wives are poets like this:

WIFE:

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. 

HUSBAND:

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.

He saw me in the dark, he created light.

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far. 

HUSBAND:

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkey like you should be kept in a zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in cage but outside, laughing at you!

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split Air Condition (the motor is outside).  No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor... .....................................................................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." ........................................................................

A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay.

Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.  ..............................................................

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Every-time!

Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever ...........................................................................

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your arms all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.  .................................................................

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you  ...................................................................

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me  ....................................................................

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A loving Push...!

DEAF WIFE?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this).....

"Alan , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

and the life goes on........ Have a wonderful day!!!   

Today Joke

"A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that
he wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your father that the Network is bad today.

Husband: Tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to the "Public Phone".

Wife sent back, tell your father that if he dares goes to a Public Phone, then I will open a " Call Center " at home."

Wedding Anniversary

      

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel

On the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting

You a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die,

I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

Religious husband

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH; 
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. 
HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. 

THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED 
"DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"? 

THE HUSBAND SAID, 
"NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS."

Good Laugh...

GOOD WIVES.......................

...... the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while.

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the drawer,  takes out 500 bucks and gives it to him.

   

"Here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight.... and remember that this happens only once... ok? 

 Don’t think about it again,"  she said.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, grabs the money and leaves quickly..

A few minutes later, he returned and handed the money back to his wife and spoke with much disappointment:

 "She said this is not enough. She wants one thousand....."

His wife's face slowly turns red with anger. 

 "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I charged him only five hundreds ..." 

The guy collapsed !!!

NB:          Think THRICE when your wife is over Generous

$800 dollars

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Reason to be thankful..

More reason to be thankful… 

I AM THANKFUL:  FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S EGGS N BACON TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

                                               FOR THE HUSBAND
                           WHO IS ON THE SOFA
                         BEING A COUCH POTATO,
                   BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
                      AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS. 

CONVERSATION BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

WIFE:
I wrote your name on the sand, it got washed away.
I wrote your name on the air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, He! created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, He created light.
He saw me without problems, then He created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don! 't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but laughing at you.

Something to brighten-up your day

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK ARE SMARTS...

Husband And Wife (short jokes enjoy reading)

住口 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 如果你的狗在後門吠，而你的妻子在前門大喊大叫，你會讓那一個先進來？The Dog of course...at least he ll shut up after you let him in! 當然是狗，至少它進來後會住口。 *********************************************************************************************************
三個孩子 A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome! but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. 一對夫婦有三個孩子。 有兩個特別聰明和英俊，可是第三個孩子卻很醜很笨。 One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?一天，丈夫很懷疑地問： ' 坦白說，親愛的，老三真的是我的孩子嗎？ 'Yes, dear, replied the wife, but the other two are not. 是的，親愛的。 ' 妻子答道：' 可是另外兩個不是。' ******************************************************************************************************************************
妻子的三項優點 When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities: she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. 一位單身漢新婚時，妻子有三項優點： 在廚房她是經濟學者、在客廳她是貴族、在床上她是惡魔。 After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order: she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed. 若干年後，這三項優點依然存在，可是秩序有點變動： 在廚房她是貴族、在客廳她是惡魔、在床上她是經濟學者。 ******************************************************************************** 許願井 A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. 一對夫妻來到一座許願井。 丈夫靠過去，丟下一個硬幣，許了個願。 The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, It really works! 妻子也打算許個願。可是她靠的太過去，掉下井，被淹死了。 丈夫呆了一回，然後笑著說：' 真靈驗。' **********************************************************************************************
結婚周年 I asked my wife, Where do you want to go on our anniversary? 我問太太：' 結婚周年紀念，你想去那 ??？ 'She said, Somewhere I have never been! ! 她說： ' 那裡都好，只要是我沒去過的地方。' I told her, How about the kitchen? ??我說：' 廚房怎麼樣？ ' ************************************************************************************************
快樂時光 During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn t talk for an hour? 在二十五周年紀念時，一位太太提醒她的丈夫： '你還記得你向我求婚的那天，我被打動得無法說話長達一小時？ ' The hubby replied : Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life. 丈夫回答： ' 是的，親愛的，那是我一生中最快樂的時光。' *************************************************************************************************
手拉手 We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 我們時常都手拉手。如果放開，她就會去購物了。